It's Business Time

Ok, sportsfans, I'm running out of silly shit on which to pontificate here...no, that's not true--I'll never run out! That's what pumps through my veins, weekly, monthly and yearly til them dumb motherfuckers see clearly. I simply mean that I'm pussyfooting around because I started this blog with 3 very specific intentions:

(1) keeping my friends up to date with things I'm doing and stuff that interests me (this is the easy one, as the past month shows);

(2) dragging my demons from out of the shadows, facing them down, and then sending them on their way (about which today's post marks the beginning);

(3) making sense of the wild thoughts in my head concerning political philosophy, human nature, our place in the universe and the evolution of consciousness (this one is beyond the scope of today's post).

At first I thought it would just be 1 and 3, but in the last few months before I moved to New York people close to me told me I had given them no insight into why I was moving. This begged the larger question: "John, why don't you ever tell anybody what you're thinking?" Upon introspection, I realized that my failure to communicate was making my friends worry about me. If I don't provide information, they are left to fill in the gaps, which is just bad for everybody involved. And I thank those who were brave enough to express their concern and demand some answers from me.

Now, much of what I want to say about my decision to move to New York City is tied up in my relationship with my wife of 5 years (and partner for 10), Jennifer. She was here for a year before I moved. I plan to speak about this aspect of my decision in this space, but anything I would say I'd want to run by her first because this space is public. So it will have to wait for now.


That said, there were many reasons for moving here beyond my marriage. But let's get something straight before I go any further. My love for Los Angeles and Southern California is IMMENSE. It will never waver and it will never recede. It is my home and it is who I am. Los Angeles is the cauldron in which I was forged. Sun, space, food, ideas, ocean, mountains, desert, cars, asphalt, palm trees. The space shuttle lands in our desert and the entire city is the backlot for the world's entertainment. I'll always be the 10 year old boy forced to learn about losing when the Celtics beat the Lakers in 1984. I'll always be the 14 year old boy jumping up and down in the living room as Gibson's homer disappears into the night. I'll always be the 18 year old boy, bronzed and carefree, bodysurfing at Zuma 7. I'll always be the man running full speed up the pitch, taking that perfect cross from Ian, bouncing it off his chest and blasting a full-volley shot into the net on a beautiful Santa Monica Sunday afternoon. I'll always be the man shooting the shit on a warm night, laughing with his friends and relishing making them laugh.

Still, the siren call of the world's capital has haunted me for years. I can recall reading children's books set here and wondering what it might be like. Parks in the middle of a city, people living in tall buildings, not houses with lawns and backyards. Stamped in my memory are brief visits to Manhattan in 1986 and 1988. An alien scale, a place so old, the motion, the sounds...so unlike home, crackling with a different energy that made me curious and more than a little scared. I grew up knowing that athletes who played in New York City faced a higher level of scrutiny and were also paid more money. Why was this the case? What was it about this place? I also knew one day I would have to find out for myself.

That's the stuff that's easy to admit and easier to explain, despite the fact I've never told anybody that, including Jenn. What's harder to admit is that my life has been stuck, stagnating, while I've been mired in a years-long depression that I've only just begun to climb out of. Put simply, and to use a well-worn cliche, I needed a change of scenery. New people, new experiences. I need to feed my brain new stuff. I need to etch new and different gooves into a clean, unmarked surface. Relocation as electroshock therapy, if you will. And I'm ready to dabble in alchemy, too. By immersing what was forged in Los Angeles into this reeking, shrieking, alien environment I hope to emerge different than before, burning away the waste and augmenting what was already strong.

Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drownin' in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothin' but affection for all those who've sailed with me

Everybody movin' if they ain't already there
Everybody got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now

--"Mississippi," from Love And Theft, with two alternate versions on Tell Tale Signs, The Bootleg Series Vol. 8