Burgertime! My Review of Five Guys

Ok, sportsfans, here comes my first burger review.

But first, some background. I do not have a favorite burger joint or chain in Los Angeles; I love many of them equally. Think of it like having children--you're not supposed to have a favorite, but if you do, you're certainly not going to tell anybody about it. These favorites include the usual suspects: In 'N' Out, Fatburger, Cassell's, The Counter, Pie 'n' Burger, Tommy's and the late, lamented shack on the corner of Santa Monica and Virgil whose name escapes me because I'm still so sad it's gone so I've just blocked it out. And then there's the upscale-y Father's Office, The Bowery, Lucky Devil and a few others I haven't had the chance to try. That's a Murderer's Row of burgers. Los Angeles IS Burgertown.

Please note: this list does not include Apple Pan. Their quality has gone to shit. I'm not the only one who's noticed. I have friends who say the same, and Los Angeles Magazine's recent list of the 101 best cheap eats does not include it--a damning omission, because that's just the kind of list Apple Pan had automatically shown up on for years and years. Which is a shame, because they were automatic--I'd take people from out of town there, and was proud to do so. (And don't get me started on their asinine seating non-policy which is regularly enforced by asshole regulars on unsuspecting children. Let's just say their hands-off approach to their lack of seating policy is akin to the Swiss knowingly taking deposits of stolen Jewish gold. And no that's not hyperbolic.)

Alright, now that that's off my chest, back to business.

Five Guys is a chain that started in Northern Virginia in 1986 and now has around 300 locations in 25 states. They get rave reviews in the press and in Zagat everywhere they pop up. There are 3 locations in Brooklyn and three in Manhattan. I went to the one in Park Slope.

[Special Note: I'm watching Arsenal get their asses handed to them by Man U in the Champions League. I promise I won't let this bleed into my burger review. Grrrrrrrrr.]

First impression upon entering: Red and white tiled interior and fresh never frozen ingredients. Hmm. Where have I seen that before?

Second impression: straightforward menu, condiments that are included or are available upon request are plentiful and clearly listed. There are "Big Burgers" and "Little Burgers" but with no description of the difference. Turns out that's 2 patties vs. 1.

I ordered a Big Cheeseburger (no bacon, no mayo, no mushrooms, with relish [relish AND pickles kicks ass in my book, and is a hallmark of Fatburgers]). $6.17. I could even tell you how many calories, because this is NYC, but that's just ridiculous.

French fries come in two sizes, regular and large. I ordered regular, and was a bit offput by the $2.99 price. I ordered a regular soda, and my total was 12 bucks and change. Hmm. Stiff. About double what a Double Double, fries and soda is at In 'N' Out. But they have Hi-C Fruit Punch and Cherry Coke, so I quickly forgot about that and sat down to wait for my burger.

Ok, they call my number. I said "for here" but it's in a bag? I look around...ah, that's how they all come. Ok.

First impression. Holy shit that's a lot of fries. Seriously, a LOT of fries. MORE than three dollars' worth. And it was more than I could eat, which begs the question--which one of you Five Guys forgot to include an order of small fries on the menu? Anyway, the fries are Belgian cut, with some skin on, and are closer to well done than under done, which is just how I like them. So let me revise an earlier statement: it was more than I should eat, but they were damn good and I ate them all.


On to the main event, Burgertime! Wrapped in foil and the size of a Double Double, it weighs as much as a Fatburger, maybe even a Kingburger. Excellent cheese meltage, a characteristic I hold in the highest regard. Nice thick patties cooked all the way through. I ordered onions in addition to the automatic grilled onions, but I didn't see any grilled ones. I'll take the blame for that. A tasty, straightforward burger that benefits from the confluence of the meat, cheese and condiments, i.e. you don't taste them separately, you taste them together at once. Coming from me, that's high praise. The only negative was the bun. It wasn't up to the task. It was a little undersized, and tasted undercooked. The undercooked taste actually distracted from the rest of the burger, unfortunately. This could be a one-time thing, so I'll eventually provide an update to this to clarify.

Summary: I would return. Hell, I would return just for some fries and Hi-C Fruit Punch. But probably not regularly, due to my concerns regarding cost (and the bun). Re: price, I had breakfast the other day at my favorite place in Williamsburg, Egg, for $13, and that included coffee, oj, and Eggs Rothko with pork sausage. And that might be my favorite thing in the whole damn world, with ingredients I know are fresher and from more estimable sources.

So, while their territory keeps expanding, I don't think we'll see them in Burgertown anytime soon.